Wednesday, February 21, 2007

It dawned upon that I've changed

Studying about the cardiovascular system is no joke man. Tonnes of things to memorise, visualise and understand. But it's all for a good cause; no way am I gonna flunk Biology.. not a chance in hell, baby. One major topic down, I'm only left with the respiratory and renal systems. And then there's the much-hated maternity&law studies. Gross!

So this afternoon, I was rummaging through this one particular cardboard box (dad has yet to buy me a shelf so yes, my room is still not fully-furnished) and I came across my old diary; written by a very childish, naive, enthusiastic worshipper of God (aka me at 12 years of age).

I was astounded by the way I wrote. Spelling errors everywhere (I spelt "mature" as "matual"), writings were not elaborate enough, penmanship was REALLY HUGE, neo-print stickers everywhere and I spent alot of my time writing about *Sean and scribbling his name all over certain pages.

Oh boy, reading the diary gave me immediate goosebumps!

So, as I was saying, Sean basically dominated all that I ever wrote about back then. Duh, he was my crush lar! The funny thing is, I didn't spend alot of time with this chap and I didn't have his phone number/email address... meaning I seldom see him and we don't talk alot. But I was still able to harbour this huge puppydog crush on him -_-" How did I manage to do that?!

And then PSLE was over and we switched schools and he found himself a girlfriend and so I began to see lesser of him by the months and before you know it, LOST CONTACT!

Now listen to this; eventhough I knew he had a girlfriend, I wasn't depressed or heartbroken or whatever shit women go through when they can't get the guy that they want. And then when we were no longer in the same school (fyi, I didn't have his email or contact number, so obviously cannot contact him right?), I wasn't devastated one bit that I was never gonna see him again.

It's funny how I could be so strong emotionally as a kid and such a weakling when I'm 18. Ugh.. the world works in funny ways.

Maybe he isn't aware of it, but throughout the time frame that we were separated, I still thought of him; wondering what he was doing, where's he studying, how's he coping, will we ever meet again, how does he look like now etc.

Then VOILA!!!

I met him somewhere (and trust me, I never wanna go back to that place ever again!)

Being the stupid and reckless dumbheaded brunette that I am, I fell for him once again. *sigh* Well, some idiot from some idiotic era said that you will never forget your first and that there'll always be a place for your first somewhere deep, down inside your heart. Hmm.. as silly as it sounds, I do agree with what he/she has got to say. hehe~

Fell for him, did wild speculations, did severe assumptions about his actions and oh no!! He doesn't feel the same way!!! *ppiiaaannngggggg*

This time, I ain't so lucky as to be able to forget about him and not moan over "losing" him. Which also explains why I'd rather be 12 again and own that sorta emotional strength than be 18 and become so distraught the moment one punk enters and exits my life as and when he pleases.

You say, at 12 years old, I didn't know what love meant back then. So when Sean was no longer a part of my life, I didn't weep because IT WAS JUST A CRUSH, it wasn't LOVE.

I agree thoroughly with that statement. But what I'm tryin' to say is, I had a crush on him back then and now. If i was able to brush it off my shoulder then, why not now? Currently, I am NOT in love with the guy. I wrote in my diary (back then) about getting married with him(!!!!!) and wanting 3 kids (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

Let's clarify something, shall we? I thought about having offsprings with him from a little kiddy's point of vew. I DID NOT think about sex at any point of time, so there! STOP LAUGHING!!

Right now, the furthest I ever thought about the both of us would be us two entering a relationship. That's all! No marriage in a meadow field with the cows moo-ing and the sun shining brightly above us! No hallucinations about having children and choosing names for them!

Then he rejected me and I felt like a sucker.

He didn't reject me the previous time but he got attached to someone else leh! That's supposed to be even more painful right? And considering I was so deeply infatuated by him that I wrote about tying the knot with him and stuff... HOW COME I DIDN'T CRY BACK THEN?!!!!?!!!

All he did now was be a jerk and play me out, and I smoke my lungs away.

WHY SIA, WHY??????!!!!!!!

Being a teen can be a hazzard at times, ya know? Yeah, got more freedom... blah blah blah, but when it comes to matters of the heart, all lem-beh lem-beh. Can cry lah, can smoke lah, drink lah, club till become broke lah, slit wrists lah, commit suicide lah, and err... many more which I have yet to hear about.

Why can't I be 18 and at the same time be like how I was 6 years back?

I guess, as I grow older, my emotions become alot more fragile and I become alot more vulnerable. My feelings, when I like a certain somebody, are alot more genuine as compared to a kid's. It's a huge disadvantage.

Peace out!


Shadow stepped, body touched, soul crashed at 2:03 am.