Friday, December 07, 2007

Controversy? Or not?

It's always easy for a person to say, "hey! I've changed! I'm no longer the person you used to know 5 years ago."

To some extend, I agree that people do change over a period of time. But, by change, does it mean you turn into a different person altogether? Or is it all just on the external?

I shall compare my current self to the girl some of you knew way back in Year 2000.

What are the differences between the Kim now and the Kimberly then?

Grew taller, slightly fairer, more sensible, more rebellious, more outspoken, more boisterous, physically fitter, mentally stronger, throw caution to the wind less often, more sensitive, more emotional, fleshier, relatively more materialistic etc.

So those who got to know me during my Tertiary education days, they see someone loud, confident, gungho. Maybe they've even seen me with a cigarette stick in my hand (though not anymore) or at DXO with Howard.

What about the people who knew me on a personal level before I "grew up"? Like Rachel, Evelyn, Clara (Tan), Suling and Lassie. The girl that they knew was malnourished, a total geek who was afraid to voice out opinions and kept to herself, worshipped Britney Spears, absolutely adored the Power Rangers, read books ALL THE TIME and had a thing going on for Nick Carter.

I can tell you that I've "changed" and that I'm no longer the girl I used to be. It's easy for anybody to spill out to others that he/she has "changed".

But when you're alone, and the things you do when nobody's watching... I dare you to tell me you've never taken out your Backstreet Boys or N'Sync CD to reminisce the good ol' times when they were topping the charts (if you were a music junkie back then).

I've caught up with a couple of people whom I haven't met in donkey years. The first words that escapes from their mouths when they see me in person (after sucha long time) would be, "My, you've changed!"

Have I REALLY changed?







My answer is NO!

Yes, I look different, but I'm still the Kimberly you guys knew back then. So what if I introduce myself as Kim now? So what if I do wear skirts now (I swore never to when I was 9)? My face is all made up when I leave for town.. SO WHAT?!?! These are all just on the external!!

Deep down inside, I am still that girl. The quiet, (not so for now) scrawny, bespectacled, insecure, cautious, street-smart, thumb-sucking Daddy's girl!!

I do still listen to Britney (you all may hate her, but I grew up listening to her. So she's my idol and I don't give two hoots if her performance at the recent VMA sucked), I occasionally watch Power Rangers: The movie, I am still reading novels but not the Enid Blyton ones, I still roller-blade but not as often because of my knee injury...

You think I've changed?! Like, seriously transformed into a whole different person?

I haven't! I believe there's a reason as to why we all want others to assume that we're no longer who we used to be.

I can't speak for the majority, but I can do so for myself. And the reason why I'm more straightforward and steadfast now is because I never wanna be the loser who never had her ideas considered seriously during discussions and I don't ever wanna be the scardy-cat who cries her heart out when the bullies step in.

In Secondary school, I was quiet. Too quiet. That probably explains why whenever we had to do those mini projects, my ideas never get selected. It sucked! AND I'LL NEVER LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

As for the bullies, no names shall be mentioned but I was in the same class as them in Sec 2. They were always making fun of my father, pulling pranks on me, spreading childish rumours about me... and I let them know they had the upper hand by crying in public. Pathetic, I know. So now you know why I spout vulgarities at a person when I'm angry at him/her and literally charge in the person's direction?

CORRECT! It's a technique to stop my tear-glands from doing what they do best.

So coming back to how much I've changed, I put it to you that I've not changed. Well, at least no major change that requires anybody else's lifestyle to be altered.

You don't see me keeping quiet when I'm with a group of people I'm familiar with. But place me in a different environment with students I've never met before; you'll be proved wrong without me having to try hard to convince you.

And I do not cry in public over mundane things like getting teased or pranked on.. But just because you don't see me shedding tears, it doesn't mean I don't shed them at all *winks*

It's ok to put on a brave front when you're actually a coward at heart (like me, for instance). And there's no harm in going for a makeover to alter your look... but what's important is that you do not lose track of your true self. Afterall, it is that less-known side of you that makes you stand out from the rest. And don't forget, it is the less-known side of you that you need to reveal to your significant other when you eventually do find true love.

REMEMBER; you can choose to fool the world. But can you fool yourself?

And also one thing that I've learnt from my lecturer; many of us FORGIVE, but NEVER forget because we're humans and not God. We might be His followers but we can't be as perfect or as gracious as him because (unfortunately) we don't love as much as He does. We can never forget because the incident has already taken place. Thus, it can never be erased. The best we can do is forgive and not bring the matter up; but that doesn't mean all's forgotten. So to say that "forgiving means forgetting", that's utter bullshit. Beware of the person who tells you this; he/she is damn superficial. =)