Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Everything's not alright

Why is it that whenever I'm asked to do something, and I do it without complaining (even if it's not my assigned duty), I get reprimanded like I deserved it? If I perform poorly or do it wrongly and get scolded, fine. But I bloody did it right and still got yelled at.

Why?!

Why is it when others ask questions, they have the chance to sit down and discuss it, but when I ask a question, I get the question thrown back at me? Obviously, I can't answer it (or I wouldn't have asked in the first place) and I'm made the laughing stock.

Why!!!

Why are others provided with guidance for the simplest of the basics but I have to do EVERYTHING BY MYSELF and if I ask for the tiniest bit of supervision, I get verbally smacked in the face because of my "lack of pro-activeness to learn"?

Why!??

Why am I even working so hard? Why am i forcing myself to wake up at bloody 5am every morning to bloody drag my fat-ass there, just to be put down time and time again? Why am I kidding myself that nursing is the path for me? Why am I pushing myself so hard despite knowing that I'll never be good enough? Why am I still holding on so tightly to a future which I don't know how long will last?

Why was I so stupid and stubborn to believe that a girl like me can succeed as a nurse? It's obviously not my forte, given what you have said. Why was I so naive to even bother applying to come here when my former hospital appreciated me much more? I only got my butt kicked in the end... multiple times, on multiple occasions and by the same idiot over and over again. You do enjoy putting me down, don't you?

From the start till now, I've worked to the best of my abilities. I've never been late, I've never been sloppy, never left early, agreed to have my break-time cut down, took in whatever dirt got thrown my way, even take the blame for other students' mistakes... and it all came down to what? Getting pushed around even more. I'm tired from playing this role/portraying this image that isn't me. Please, they don't even know that I smoke, club, drink and have a fetish for tattoos. They don't even fucking know the kind of people I used to hang out with or the kinds of trouble I've gotten into. All they see is this timid little cookie-case with a damned pony-tail who's never late for work and is afraid to voice out her opinions. I'm sick of being someone I'm not. I hate what this posting has turned me into. I HATE CHEENA-POKS.