Monday, November 14, 2005

Frustrated!

Fathers. Heaven knows what they're thinking half the time. First, he says that I'm allowed to earn my own pocket money. Then once I find a job as a petshop assistant, he becomes so frickin' overprotective; complaining that there's no direct bus there and having to walk 500m from the bus-stop to the pet farm.

Hey, I take more than 1 hour to travel to school everyday. What harm can walking a distance of half a kilometer do to me?! Tell me what you want lah, pa! if you don't want me to work than just say so! Don't have to give lame excuses like "there's no direct bus from our place".

Last year, he let me sign up with Mindef as an office clerk. And bloody hell, he didn't tell me that I could only start work in Febuary. So there I was, rotting at home, day in day out. When Febuary came, he terminated my application! The some time later on, in April, one fucking mongrel sent me this sms:

"Got hand got leg then go and work lah! Everyday stay at home depend on parents. No shame huh? Useless!"

IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT I DIDN'T EARN A SINGLE CENT DURING THE HOLIDAYS. I got "cheated" and I receive such comments from a person who's living on borrowed time.

History repeats itself this year. I get the job, he starts nagging about (of all things) TRANSPORTATION!

RRROOOOOOOAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever lah eh?! I'm not gonna be the girl who depends on her parents anymore. I don't care if they pay me peanuts. I'M KEEPING MY JOB! You're not the one who got insulted; you will never know how I feel. Nobody will.

I'm telling you now, I HATE BEING THE OLDEST KID. My parents do "experiments" on me. They try out one thing on me and if the result is a negative one, they do the opposite for my sis and she gets a better life. No downs, only ups.

I had to wait until my PSLE results were out before being able to get my first pair of roller-blades. Jade wanted one and dad immediately but a pair for her. No doubt the quality of her blades were nowhere near as good as mine, SHE STILL GOT THE UPPER HAND. Fair or not? If you say it's fair, please remind me to stuff a brinjal up your ass the next time I see you.

Then I asked for a discman back in 2001 but my dad refused to buy me one or give his to me. But one fine day, when he was cleaning out his closet, he took his discman and gave it to my sister. GAVE IT TO HER OK! And how old was she then? Use discman kum lan huh? Not only that, when I asked for an mp3 last year, he kept giving stupid excuses that I didn't need one since I already have a hi-fi set. But he goes out with my sis and Jade returns home with an mp3.

Now I do have an mp3 though. Jade gave me hers, not because she's a kind soul, but because my father bought her an MP4! Can store songs and music videos one ok!

Wah... life is just so wonderful. She's practically living a sheltered life! OH, I forgot. She's has to live a better life than me. Afterall, she's aiming for RGS and has Lisa Ang's dimples. Me? I was probably given to the wrong family at the hospital. Hmm... maybe that's why I'm the ONLY ONE who's born with tanned skin in the ENTIRE Lee family.

Today, Jade told me something which further supported my thoughts of my dad loving her more than me. She asked him for an ATM card and wants him to put in $20 in her account every month. 12 year old girl need ATM card leh! I was 16 when I requested for one but was unsuccessful in getting it. My dad told me, "if you need money then just ask from me lah. I'll give it to you. Why do you need a card for?" THEN WHAT DOES JADE NEED A CARD FOR?! Use to play dai-dee is it? Or use to shave legs? Nabeh!

This all makes sense, doesn't it? Primary 6 girl needs ATM card but Sec5 girl doesn't. Trust me, it will make a very good headline for the morning papers.

Thanks hor, pa! You and mum have no idea how badly affected I was when the both of you were in the process of getting separated in 1998. Both of you were constantly arguing at home over who should get custody of Jade and I, how much allowance Dad should give to Mum every month et cetera!

I gave up on homework TOTALLY at that time because Mum was always in a foul mood and venting her frustrations on me; scolding me for no particular reason. I go to school with empty exercise books, get reprimanded by that damned Miss Choy, she calls Mum and I go home that day, only to get whacked by a hanger/belt/cane/whatever she could get her hands on.

I have yet to thank the both of you for my sucky life. Maybe God was aware of how I felt and made the both of you reconcile. The naive girl in me thought life was gonna be better, but no! It became worse than hell because Dad became so fucking overprotective the moment I entered East View Secondary. Don't ask me why, I'd rather not know.

He didn't support my decision of joining Judo. Must spend money on the Judo gi and when I injured my knee in 2002 (it's still not healed!), he spent more time complaining that I joined the wrong CCA than symphatising with me. Jade joins some stupid activity called "Rhythmic Gymnastics" and he goes, "WAH!".

Daddy, I hope you're happy of how I turned out to be after you and Mum got back together. I love you, Pa. But I hate you. Why? Because you're never there. You've never been there when I needed you. The last time I opened up to you, I got one hell of a scolding. Never will I talk to you about such things ever again. In your eyes, I'm always in the wrong, heavily flawed and inferior to your younger daughter. So be it. Let it remain that way if it allows you to die a happier man.

I've never once received your support in ANYTHING! I look at my fellow judokas and become envious. Lois' father encourages her to train. You? The moment I leave the house with my Judo stuff, you nag about me neglecting my studies. Stephanie's mother supports her when she takes part in tournaments. As for me, I gotta survive your constant reminders that a certificate is more important than a trophy.

I CANNOT JOIN COMPETITIONS BUT JADE CAN?! There's a reason why she has more medals than me ok? The reason is fucking simple. She's given a chance to win and I'm not. What's the point of me even writing all this down? I'll probably grow up to be a whore anyway. Why do I need such a good life? Jade's different. Future Miss Singapre Universe and holder of a Masters degree.