Thursday, March 06, 2008

My heart; that's all I have to give


All you did was attend the usual trainings, meet the usual people and follow the usual instructions ordered by seniors. Little did you expect to see a new kid on campus walk into dojo with her torn & tattered judo gi in tow. No words were exchanged that day between the two, but there was a little spark which was yearning to glow... somehow it got diminished instead of growing brighter.


You spoke to the girl despite her disdainfully proud aura, her "intimidating stare" and bad haircut. However, something was holding you (and her) back. Both seemed unwilling to speak up; maybe it was fear, maybe it was uncertainty... till this date, nobody is quite sure.


It could be due to her mentality that Judo was for rehab and rehab only.


And on your part, well, you just weren't quite ready to add another dimension to the newly-formed friendship.


She left on a trip and never really got the chance to clear things up with you. It is her fault that you were having mixed thoughts back then. As much as she wants to blame the world for what happened while she was away for that 8 days, she knew that it all boiled down to her own actions; her reluctance to take any initiatives and chances, her fear for rejection and not forgetting, her phobia for commitment.


She has been blaming you ALOT for what happened, hasn't she?


The usually headstrong brat that she is was thinking about a couple of issues and she came to realise that you did what you did because you thought you'd lost her. But apparently, you never did... this, you never knew, because she never told you.


Irregardless of the multiple times you've reassured her, there was an invisible force within her that seemed to bring those terrifying memories back. Alas, it is only now that she learns what makes this negative energy so persistent.


And with this entry, she hopes to make it up to you for all the misery she's put you through. Her demanding nature, short-fused temper, heavily flawed appearance, unreasonable approach to arguments, tendency to fall asleep while on the phone, selfish need to hang up the phone so she could watch "The Contender"...

... you managed to overlook all factors that would turn others off. What keeps you going, she wonders, and she hopes that she can one day nurture it to become the better person she's promised to.


Remember how she once mindlessly commented that "you suck as a boyfriend"? Nothing she does now can erase those harsh words she spat across to you that day. She does feel a huge pinch in her soul whenever you do something nice for her... carrying her bag when she injured her back, running half a mile just to get her a drink, helping her with computer stuff cos she's such an idiot when it comes down to IT, offering to send her home despite your EZ-link value being dangerously low, comforting her when she'd been emotionally hurt, encouraging her when she nearly gave up studying for her promos, assuring her of your neverending love etc.


"Baby," she says, "the only way I could leave you is to smoke crack cocaine and sniff glue. Since that is not happening anytime soon, I just wanna continue loving you."