Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Ashes to ashes, dust to dustIf only it were all so simple and magnified. If only I could run into His arms as easily as it is to scream His name. His words which were once spoken to me now seem so distant, so unfamiliar and cold. The temptation to just fall back on Him is THERE... but I just can't do so right now; not when I can't give Him my all, not when the occasional setbacks get me swearing and cursing all over again.
I've disappointed Him over the years. But not anymore. I will return... but only if I'm ready to pick up the bits and pieces that litter the ground. At this point in time, no one can say for sure that I'll remain in His golden path. But to me, what matters most is that He never left my heart. A pleasant scent never leaves a rose unless the flower withers away. He will continue living within me until I lie on my deathbed. Til' then, His name will be the last word I mutter.
I need a distraction; this is not what I used to be. What happened to all the spunk and joy? Where's the freedom that I so often got? Hope and faith don't seem to play as big a role as they should anymore, and the sparkle that outshone everyone else... it's diminishing.
You're like my anchor and wings. Every single thing that you do, irregardless of whether or not it's done on purpose, you either lift me up sky-high or I plunge deep beneath the ground of dirt. It scares me! You have no idea how I put myself to sleep at night when I'm miserable. You have absolutely no clue AT ALL.
Don't ask me what has to be done to make it all better. I'm not exactly sure myself. Maybe I ask for too much sometimes, so much so that you're unable to provide for. But this time round, it's something which I'm sure you'd like very much...
Can we be "the old us"?
I see happy couples with smiles on their faces when they walk the streets of this urban city. Why can't I smile or laugh as gayly as them? They can't be putting up a show... cause they look so free from problems. I wanna be like them; not getting let down/disappointed/pissed off.
You weren't this way last year! Whenever you told me something, you'd definately do it because you know that actions speak louder than words. But what happened this past few months? What made you change so drastically? Sometimes I feel like I don't even know you anymore because in moments which I needed you the most, you weren't around. You're never around. Either that or, you never understood.
The boy that travelled from one end of the country to the other just to wipe away my tears when I was going through hell back in December 2007 is gone!
How I wish for him to come back... I miss him. That hug which I received was the one that offered the most warmth and protection.
Can I have one more?
I wanna get through this with you. It doesn't matter anymore if I don't see you as often as I want to. I don't care if you're caught up with work, school, CCAs and family commitments more than half the time. Just as long as you remain my reliable source of strength.
We'll pull through...
I love you, baby.
Shadow stepped, body touched, soul crashed at 9:55 pm.
